Rob Schneider: A Serious Biography

This post is just here to appreciate Rob Schneider’s shitty roles. Seriously, what is the deal with Rob Schneider? Has Rob, ever, in his entire life, said no to a role? Remember when Rob was a male prostitute named “Deuce Bigalow”? Twice? Yeah, that was amazing. Remember when he played the small man in Grown Ups? Stellar performance. Remember Citizen Kane? OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW. ROB SCHNEIDER TRUMPS ALL OF THAT SHIT.

Fun facts about Rob:

Rob has played Hitler on multiple occasions. Again, is there anything he won’t do?

Rob has probably played the most racist roles out of anyone in Happy Madison.

Rob is probably some homeless dude Adam Sandler found on the street, and was all like, “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we just started putting this homeless bum in every single one of our movies?” And everyone else was like, “No. That wouldn’t be funny at all, Adam.”

Rob has a music foundation. That one’s not a joke, it’s just genuinely interesting.

Rob likes to announce his politcal opinions, for some reason. He announced he was no longer going to be a Democrat. He then changed to Republican. An entire two whole people cared.

Rob is against vaccinations. In other news, Rob’s son now has Polio. I’m guessing. Probably.

Also, he was in Demolition Man. Not really that interesting at all, but I thought that was kinda cool. I mean, cool in a Rob Schneider kind of way. As in “This is cool compared to like, fuckin, i dunno, moldy bread.”

Mall Cop 2 and why you should watch it

You ever just sit. Sit down, look around and think; I want to make fun of something? I want to make jokes in a room of people like me, and make fun of one thing.


No, really? Huh. Me neither, I was just asking.

Anyways, watch Mall Cop 2. When it comes out on DVD. Preferably, with a few drinks. Okay, a lot of drinks. And some friends. Friends and Drinks = Mall Cop 2. Mall Cop 2 is one of THOSE movies, you know what I mean? It’s painfully obvious there was not a lot that went into Mall Cop 2. Besides Kevin James’ money. But what really makes it a fun movie is the fact that it is so awfully shitty, that if, when paired with the right booze, you find yourself with a couple of friends, it’s a perfect time to crack some jokes at the hour and a half long shifest. When we get old and leathery, we will remember Mall Cop 2. We won’t remember Mall Cop 2 for it’s gribbity grabbity story, or even for it’s oh-so-hilarious falling down gags, but we will remember it for the good times it caused us. For the jokes we cracked, while downing a bottle of cheap tequila, Smirnoff, and your cousin’s friend’s dad’s risky moonshine, yes, we will remember Mall Cop 2 for something greater than what Kevin James expected. The art of being a drunk motherfucker. No, seriously, if you see this movie, bring a lot of beer with you. Like, so much beer. Just like, a harmful amount of beer. Like, your dad calls you in the middle of the movie and is like, “Hey, stop.” Because, damn, that is a lot of beer.


Speaking of drinking and Mall Cop 2, you should check out our amazing Mall Cop 2 Drinking Game! ‘S pretty good.

Fifty Shades of Grey…Rape trial?

So, apparently, a 19 year old guy, was charged with rape later this month. For reenacting Fifty Shades of Grey.

For those of you who are not up to speed on what exactly Fifty Shades of Grey is, it’s a weird sex movie. Based of a book. Not just any book, a nasty, sex, Twilight fan fiction, rapey book. It follows the story of Ana and..actually, you know what, fuck it, it’s literally a buff dude and a hot girl hitting each other, yelling, biting lips and fucking. That’s literally the entire movie. There’s nothing else to it.

Well, later this month, 19 year old Mohammah Hossain was charged with aggravated criminal sexual assault and ordered held on $500,000 bail at Cook County Jail following the alleged incident. The prosecuters are saying he tied up with belts, covered her eyes, ball gagged her, began whipping her, then raped her. Nasty stuff, right? Well, Mohammah doesn’t think so. He says it was normal and that he considered them “friends with benefits”. Yeah, this guy actually said that in court. As of now, the victim found “no probable cause”, and the only punishment Mohammah is facing is not being allowed back at the school.
I mean, there’s really liking a movie, and then there’s this, Mohammah.

Speaking of rape, you should check out our awesome Fifty Shades of Grey drinking game. You can check it out here.

So, where was Cusack in Hot Tub 2?

Most of us have seen Hot Tub Time Machine. A smaller portion of us have seen Hot Tub Time Machine 2. One of the major leading factors in this, is the fact that one of the biggest stars of the entire film, John Cusack, was no where to be seen for the sequel. Seriously, he was just gone. I’m going to try my best to try and comprehend what the hell and why the hell.

So, when Hot Tub 2’s trailer first came out, reactions were universal. “Where the hell is John Cusack?” I guess they had just accidentally forgot to mention that JOHN FUCKING CUSACK couldn’t show up for the film. So, we took to the one place that pretends to listen to us. The internet.

On a podcast, Rob Corddry, a star of Hot Tub Time Machine and Hot Tub 2, John turned down Hot Tub 2 because it “Just wasn’t his thing.” Understandable, celebrities and actors back out of sequels all the time. It’s a normal thing to do. We can live with that.

But…Something smelled rotten in the State of Denmark…
Immediately following Corddry’s statement, fans took to Twitter, blazing up John’s feed, calling him a fool.

John responded.

Chappie: Hit Or Miss?

Chappie seems like an unconventional flick: A story of a robot, that’s supposed to be heartwarming some how? And from the director of District 9? Yeah, this is hardly a recipe for a great film. Even the trailers looked like it was a parody of sorts, like a parody of itself, or a Naked Gun type of non-stop comedy movie.

Read more…

Kingsman: The Secret Service Review

Are you familiar with James Bond? Have you seen all of the Bond movies, and are you familiar with the action and gadgets? Well, rethink everything you know about British spies. This movie reinvents the whole idea of British spies, then masters it while it’s at it.

Read more…

wolf of wallstreet drinking game minimalist cinesmashed

Wolf Of Wall Street

Best infomercial for debauchery yet.

Take a drink when:

  • When someone says the F word. (Just kidding, you would die)
  • Leo raises his voice and proceeds to scream at the top of his lungs.
  • You see a new example of extravagance.
  • Anyone snorts anything.
  • Midgets are referenced.

Take a shot when:

  • You think Jonah Hill’s teeth are weird.
  • There is mayhem on the trading floor.

Chug when:

  • Foreshadowing happens.

Pour one out:

  • For not majoring in finance.

Jurrasic park minimalist poster drinking game

Jurassic Park

Newman from Seinfeld screws over an up-and-coming theme park. Reminiscent of my first time playing RollerCoaster Tycoon.

Take a drink when:

  • Richard Attenborough has spared no expense.
  • Jeff Goldblum acts smarmy.
  • Someone hates kids.
  • You see a new dinosaur.
  • Laura Dern is willing to get her hands dirty.
  • Sam Neill is reluctant to do something.
  • Jeff Goldblum talks to himself.

Take a shot when:

  • It is stated, or you see that, “Life finds a way.”
  • A dinosaur kills a human.

Chug when:

  • Scary velociraptors sounds.

Pour one out:

  • For outdated technology references.

Napoleon dynamite Drinking game minimalist poster cinesmashed

Napoleon Dynamite

Tina you fat lard, come try this drinking game.

Take a drink when:

  • It’s time to dance.
  • Someone sighs.
  • Someone runs away.
  • Kip “chatting with hot babes”

Take a shot when:

  • Someone says: Quesadilla, Tots, Liger, or Tina.
  • “Do the chickens have large talons?”

Chug when:

  • Kip turns the time machine.

Pour one out:

  • For all those times you quoted this movie before puberty.


The social network minimalist drinking game cinesmashed

The Social Network

Watch  Justin Timberlake, Spiderman, 2 male models, and that chick from The Suite Life of Zach and Cody learn to live with the antics of a grey hoodie.

Take a drink when:

  • Someone insults Marc or Marc insults someone
  • Marc uses technical jargon
  • The Winklevi interrupt each other’s sentences
  • You see a bra or Victoria’s Secret is mentioned
  • Anyone says “Crimson”
  • Animals are mentioned

Take a shot when:

  • When the coders take shots
  • Whenever the Winklevi twins are rowing

Pour one out:

  • For the inventors of Facebook